Welcome to the Emotives anonyms, take a seat.

Hey!
Pretty fun to get back at this when my last post is from… 3 years ago almost.

I was pretty much out of this because as some people here knows, I’m only writing when I feel like crap and I was doing somewhat good but god knows how much my feelings smells like Taco Bell’s toilet right now.

Quick update: I’m leaving Portugal.

Reason? Long story short, there’s high chances that if I stay, I might un-born myself which would make mom sad when she put all this effort birthing me (Shout out to my mom’s vagina for doing all the work).

If you read my last post and this post back to back, you might wonder what the hell happened in those 3 years to change from this warm feeling of being welcome to this foreign country to the point where wanting to get the hell out of this place is the one and only thing that can slap a somewhat smile on my face.
The answers lies in two words : EMOTIONAL DAMAGE.

I think in a way the root cause of it is the same as a lot of reasons why we all feel down, the pandemic. I always called myself a loner and thought that this lockdown was a benediction. Can you imagine? Staying home all day, working from home meaning that I can nap anytime, waking up 5 minutes before work to get those sweet extra minutes of sleep and most of all, not having to talk to any of you fucking idiots. Sounds like living the dream.
But as we all came down to realize, you need idiots in your life.

As time went by in the pandemic, all started to shift. Home became prison, the naps started to become longer and longer to the point I was being paid for nothing and all this extra sleep just meant being a useless sad piece of shit for a bit longer. Pretty dope if you want my opinion. I ain’t gonna resume the pandemic consequences, others did it sonner than me and with way more talent.

But this stuff weighs on you, each and every single day but the good thing is that I got someone with me that helped me carry this bagage making it easier to lift.

It was you and me, bot lane, Vayne and Thresh, carrying each other’s ass to Challenger.
If you got the reference, add me and we’ll ARAM together.
But, and here if you know me enough, you know where this is going, eventually we stopped matching up and went solo queue on our side.

Cause we adults, we discussed this through, there was the infamous “It’s not you, it’s me”, “I’m not ready for a relationship” and “It’s for the best”. Please if there’s anyone out there that want to help me make a Break-up Bingo app or something hit me up. I’m trademarking this.

Anyway the outcome of this is that I suck at emotions and in hindsight I do but I got some extenuating circumstances.
If you too lazy to read past posts (that are in French) the TL;DR version is Papa bad, Tristan sad.
That ain’t an excuse but an explanation.

This shit about being emotionally handicapped was always in my head but I thought I dealt with it properly with little to no impact to the others but since the break-up those words are louder than ever.
My mom says that it’s a defense mechanism and I always was emotional but containing it internally. She also says that men that are emotional are cute so I am not sure if I should listen to everything she says because she obviously has brain damage but she might be on something with that containment stuff.

I thought that this is something that we all were doing, running around not feeling anything because it is easier but if there is something that I learned over the last year is that it’s not true.
The Others are feeling.

It’s so weird to realize that, for me at least. I always was that kind of careless, living my own best life, person. I think about my past relationships and the other half’s feeling were the least of my concern because, you know, he/she can deal with it right? What kind of pathetic person you are if you don’t know how to get your shit together?
That too, in hindsight, is something that I could have done better. We learning everyday. Yay.

But that past year I got with someone that talks about feeling. Ew. Can you imagine this?

Now you’re telling me I am supposed to feel stuff and worst of all talk about it? What is it? Communist China? Get the fuck out of here with ya gay ass shit.

So I kept on going with the good old mindset, care-free, sliding on life.
However, this cannot go on forever and eventually something bad happened. Very bad.
The big sad.

Not for me, at first, which makes it even worse. Dealing with someone’s amplified feelings when that person talks about it. Bruh, I can’t deal with mine and now you dumping this on me. I felt like a dog who someone gave a book on astrophysics. Let me get back to my bone please.

But you know, you try, cause you love. So you start to open, you start to discuss feelings and stuff, share trauma, laughs, experiences.
Do I hear “Like in a normal relationship” in the back? You out. Get out of my class and never come back you sucker. This place is for the retards, not the Others.
Eventually by doing so and opening myself, my emotions started to pour out. Problem is, the plumber fucked it up and there’s no turning this pipe off and years of repressed feelings that molded here started to get out. I got confused, sad, confused and weirded out.

It was a second book for the dog. But this time it was a book on dog emotions and I can’t turn pages with those stupid paws with no opposable thumbs.

The short term outcome was good, I fell in love in a different way than what I thought love was before. It was better for me as I could be a bit more open on myself, there was a lot of reserve still, force of habit, but it was getting there. For a bit the joke was “Seems like you fall for depressed people” it’s not correct per se but seems not far from the truth. I just like being able to be open because when you open the door you can let someone in for real. And for me it worked.
The biggest problem was just getting back to the old habits and those moments where I realized that I was feeling stuff and got scared of it and closed myself. Closed harded than ever. Imagine Riley Reed’s legs and now the opposite. That wasn’t good neither for me or for us.

I can’t speak on behalf of someone else but the big sad plus an autistic boyfriend with a history at being emotionally absent and a rain of shit on them made this “Us” thing no longer there. A mutual decision we can say but I know the truth.
Now here I am, alone to carry two luggages that I never heard of and have no handle : The Pandemic Sad and Emotions, This is heavy. Very heavy right now.

So yeah, going back to the start, I’m leaving Portugal and going back to France. Closer to friends and family. I need that now. Not in a holiday form, in a definitive way. Everything here reminds me of how much I’ve been acting like a fucking child for the last 15 years of my life, how much I ruined by being a closed emotional bomb, how many things I regret I could have done better.
I few weeks ago, I tried to un-alive myself because I could not handle the fucking failure that I am. The main problem is that I can’t do this because Mom would be sad so I guess the best other solution is to restart with a blank slate, learn my lesson and move on.
I’ll stay sad for a while but thanks to the pandemic and to my ex for this lesson.

We were right on one thing: It was for the best.